The Outsiders: Epilogue
by kimiat
Summary: After Johnny and Dallys death, how does Ponyboy and the rest of the gang survive mourn and despair? *Suggestive Language* -Review?
1. Chapter 1

The bell rang. I slowly stood up from my seat. It had been a long day. "Ponyboy, you got a second?" asked Mr Syme, my ELA teacher. "Sure." "That semester theme you gave in to me? It was..." He paused. "It was the best one I've ever received in all my years of teaching." Mr Syme looked real old. Probably one of the oldest teachers in the school. I thought of how many of those he might have graded, and I was stunned. It was quite unexpected. "Well... Thanks I guess." I replied. I didn't know what to say. I was one of those people that don't know what to say or what to react when complimented.

"You know, you really could go somewhere if you tried. Maybe even be a big shot author someday. Ever thought about it?" He asked eagerly. "Well, I dunno." I replied slowly. I'd never really thought about it that way. I didn't really thing much about the future. I'd thought briefly on the subject, and I was thinking of becoming a track runner. I was real fast. I mean sure, I was good in school and everything, but I was a Greaser. Darry was real set on me getting a scholarship and everything. Maybe I would, maybe I wouldn't. When I was younger, I always dreamed of being a firefighter. Now, I really have no clue. After a brief pause, Mr Thomas continued. "You know how I said I would give you a C if you gave in a good revue? Well heck. This job sure deserves at least an A." I grinned. "Gee, thanks Mr Syme."

I was real scared of flunking this semester. Ever since the whole incident with Johnny and Dally I hadn't been paying much attention in school. Darry got kinda mad, but he tried sympathizing with me. I mean, I had just lost my best pal. "You got a great way with words. With a little practice, who knows how far you'll get." he added. I thanked him again and left.

The hallway was mostly deserted. Everyone was eager to go home since summer was almost here. I hadn't thought much about it. I was kinda excited, but at the same time a little disappointed. School was at least a distraction.  
It was odd, not having Johnny there. Life passes by. Minutes, hours, and days without Johnny. According to the school counsellor, I was coping normally with his loss. Apparently I was still in shock. It takes a while to finally let go, and accept what really happened. Being his best friend and all, it had hit me the hardest. Darry seemed okay. He was never really an emotional person. He kept them bottled up. Soda was a bit distant, and real quiet. The only other time I'd seen him like that was after Mom and Dad died.

I took it differently. Sometimes I'd sob uncontrollably at night, replaying what had actually happened. But at other times, I couldn't cry. No matter how hard I tried. Writing did make me feel loads better, though. Letting it all out. I'd also catch myself staring outside the window, for long minutes, expecting Johnny to come in, quietly shut the door, and crash for the night on the sofa or in my room, his giant black eyes looking their usual scared and shy self. Sometimes I'd wake up, and forget about it for a few minutes. Then reality would come crashing back. It's weird how life works that way.

And of course, Dally couldn't control himself. Johnny was the one that held us all together. He was like a brother to him. I guess Dally is better off now. After Johnny was hospitalized, me and Dal sort of bonded together. We weren't really great buddies before.

The rest of the gang were more emotionally tough, I thought. I was wrong. Two-Bit was real shocked. The first few days, he would rarely crack a joke. For once, he was serious. I wish he weren't. His jokes were what made me laugh, even when I was real sad. Soda told me that Two-Bit promised himself he would never steal again in memory of Johnny and Dally. I wondered if he would ever fulfill his promise, remembering all the things he'd "borrowed" from anywhere.

Steve was acting real different too. Although him and Johnny had never been great pals, him and Dal were. They'd grown up together; snuck into bars, hotwired cars, stole from stores and whatnot. Steve had never liked me a great bunch, but he was treating me different, acting nice and stuff. It's not like I'm complaining though.

In the past, I would sometimes wonder and imagine the gang all grown up. I remember picturing me and Johnny creating some tuff invention and earning big bucks. Then Darry and Soda would quit work, Darry would go to that football school and become a big shot pro athlete, giving us season tickets to his games, and us cheering in the crowd. Soda would go back to school and earn that high school degree, and maybe get a better job than the gas station. Johnny would usually laugh when I told him this. "Do me a favour Pony and don't get our hoping up" he once said.

With my mind full of thoughts, I walked home.


	2. Chapter 2

I stepped onto the porch. As usual, the door was unlocked. "Darry? Soda?" I called out. No reply.

Darry usually worked odd hours; sometimes he was home in the afternoon, sometimes he wasn't. Soda's shifts at the DX usually varied as well. Wondering if Steve or Two Bit were present, I glanced at the living room couch with false hope. It was empty. Although our place was the usual "crash turf", as Dally used to call it, the gang rarely crashed during the weekdays.  
I sighed and sat down on the couch. Most times I liked having the house to myself; as it was normally total chaos. But I was having this weird feeling inside. Was it loneliness? I don't know. I couldn't really tell.  
My mouth was just itching for a Pepsi. I checked the fridge. There was half a chocolate cake, an almost empty carton of milk, and a few cans of beer. "Damn it" I murmured. I was thirsty. I needed something to drink.

I decided to walk to the grocery store. I knew it was a stupid thing to do, walking alone after what had just happened to Johnny a couple weeks ago. But like I said, I don't think.

I walked in and saw Two Bit standing in line. I almost laughed. You never see Two Bit pay for ANYTHING. I wondered if he was actually serious about his promise. "Hey Two Bit" I greeted him. "Hey Ponyboy." His usual grin was replaced with a more solemn look. "Whatchu been up to?" I asked.

"Well, if I told you I'd have to kill you." he replied. I wondered if he was serious or not. "A pack of smokes please." He said to the woman at the counter. He handed her the money and left.

If this exact situation had occurred two weeks ago, the action and results would have been different. First off, Two Bit never bought his own cigarettes. He'd nick them from the store on Leslie Boulevard, since their weeds weren't over the counter. He would have probably given the lady some dirty talk. She's worked there ever since I could remember, and was "a real looker" as he had once described her. After showing off his foul language he'd crack a joke or two and then leave. I paid for the Pepsi I'd been dying for and caught up with him.

"So how are you doing Ponyboy?" he asked. "I'm okay. Schools almost out." There was a short pause.  
I'd never had a real heart to heart conversation with Two Bit. Today was a first. For some odd reason, I started talking about things I wouldn't share with Two Bit.

"Two Bit?" I suddenly asked. "Mhmm?" he replied. "What did it feel like for you when Johnny died?" I asked hesitantly. I was exploring in a rocky area. I didn't like talking or thinking about Johnny, but for some weird reason, I wanted to ask Two Bit that question. I was careful enough not to ask Darry this question. He was unpredictable. "Well, I dunno." He started. "Before that whole incident, I was living a carefree life, ya know? But after I actually took a second glance at what I was actually doing, I had my doubts. Do I really want to live my life and serve no purpose? Unemployed? Nothing to live for?"

He had an odd expression on his face; one I'd never seen before, at least not on him. He took a deep breath. "Johnny was only sixteen when he died, man. Life is unpredictable. I could die tomorrow, or in the next century. What if I died right now? Would people even go to my funeral? Would I even be remembered? Or just remembered as that Greaser that took life as a big old joke?"

Even thinking back from now, I'll never forget the look in his eyes when I talked to Two Bit that day. "It's like I don't want to be the funny guy, you know?" He added. "My whole life," his voice started trembling "I've been taking everything for granted. I'd just think, fuck that, things are never my way, why can't they be? Who cares if I won't pay for that Pepsi? As long as I don't get caught, who's really going to look down and say: Hey you! Put that back or else?" Tears started rolling down his cheeks.

He kicked the curb angrily. "Fuck this man! Who makes this shit up anyways? Who the fuck decides whats gonna happen in your life? Who decides the future! If things like this happen everyday, then who the fuck does God think he is? How do we even know there is a God, huh? It's all bullshit! All of it! If God were real there wouldn't be Greasers or Socs, and Johnny and Dally would be with us right now. Fuck life. Fuck all of it."

Never in my whole life had I seen Keith Matthews like this, and I even had my doubts, then and there, that Two Bit Matthews would ever be the one I knew two weeks ago.

"I know what you mean man." I said. "The day that Johnny died, I was just sitting in my bed, staring at the ceiling for hours. I wondered what the meaning of life was. What was the point of living without the one you loved most dearly?" I realized how cheesy this was when I said it out loud.

The Two Bit Matthews I knew two weeks ago would have bugged me to death for saying it, but he just gave me a look of sympathy and understanding. "What's the point of living?" I repeated. "Why should I have to live? Why Johnny? Why couldn't it be me? Why was I the one that got out safe? I asked myself that question the very night. I was so lonely, I'd never felt this way in my whole entire life. Never. Not even after my parents deaths. The pain was so bad on the inside, I needed control over my pain. So you know what I did man? I started cutting myself. I was depressed. It felt like I had turned into a zombie. Nothing brought happiness anymore. The counsellor said I was fine, but I knew I wasn't. I was pretending around Darry and Soda. I was lying to everyone, including myself. I started relying on sleeping pills. Nothing made me happy. But you know what helped me get through all of this? I started writing. I've never been a writer before. But I just needed to let it all out. It's so much better than cutting or drugging yourself. It's hard to get back on track. Bu t I got through it. I got through all that shit I put myself into, and I hope I never go back again. It was a good week and a half, which isn't long. I don't know what I'd do if I started getting hooked man.  
It still hurts. Hell, it hurts like there's no tomorrow. I know I'll never get through it all, it'll never be the same, but I'm trying."

Two Bit gave me a thoughtful look. "You know what Pony? Cutting yourself, I've been on that road a couple times. It's real hard to stop. We just gotta get through this together. It's affecting each one of us differently, and if we deal with it the wrong way... who knows where you'll end up."


	3. Chapter 3

Hands in my pockets, I walked home slowly. Two Bit had wandered off, looking for something to do. I guess his mind was full. I could tell he needed some time alone.

I walked past the park, where it had all started. I found my mind wondering again, for the hundredth time, stating all the "what ifs". What if, that night, Johnny and I had never gone to the park? What if The Socs had never tried to drown me, and the result of Johnny killing Bob had never even occurred? What if Johnny was still alive?

I quickly regained consciousness of my mind and pushed those thoughts away. I could see Darry in the distance, smoking a cigarette on the porch. As I approached closer, he stood up with a grave look on his face.

"Sup Darry?" I asked. I nervously wondered if he was mad about me walking around alone again. "You'll never guess what happened to Steve" he said with a hard angry look on his face. Before I could reply with a hesitant guess, he answered his question for me. "Got into a drunken fight with Buck Merril. Guess what that little shithead did? He knived the guy right in the chest. Five weeks in the cooler for underage drinking and unnecessary usage of weapon."

I looked at Darry dumbfounded. Steve was doing alright since the last time I saw him. But I guess he was just like Darry. Keeping his feelings bottled up, until he can't take it anymore.  
His record was pretty clean for the amount of crap he got into. Although he'd been Dally's close buddy, Steve was, for some odd reason, never really got charged for anything. Maybe cause he never got caught. He was good at hiding things.

I suddenly realized how hungry I was. I decided to leave Darry alone. He looked kind of out of it anyway. I stepped inside the house. Soda was snoozing on the sofa. I took a good hard look at him. Suddenly, I felt real bad for my brother. He was usually the optimistic, happy-go-lucky one in our gang, but I could even see the hurt in his face right then while he was asleep. In one whole month, he had lost his girlfriend, (which he had intended on marrying) two of his close friends, and right now his best pal was in the cooler.

"Hey Darry, want anything to eat?" I hollered from the kitchen. "Sure, thanks Ponyboy" he replied from the front porch. Soda grunted and shifted on the sofa. Dad had once said that that boy could sleep through an earthquake. I still believe those very words.

I grabbed a pan and started on the eggs. I cooked some for Soda cause I never have to ask if he wants food. He's always hungry.

My mind was wandering as usual. I realized I hadn't opened that Pepsi I'd been dying for. I was still thirsty. I opened the cap and took a big gulp. My mouth suddenly filled with a cold refreshing fizz. Ahhhh. This was almost better than smoking.

"You done with the eggs yet Ponyboy?" Darry hollered. "Almost!" I yelled back. He trudged toward the kitchen table, looking exhausted. "I'm starving. Haven't eaten in hours." He said with a tired look on his face. "Yeah you look exhausted" I observed. "Hard day at work." He replied.

"You got your report card yet Ponyboy?" He asked with a concerned look on his face. "I gotta pick mine up on Monday." I answered. He replied with a slight nod. I finished my eggs and Darry started washing the dishes. I wandered around the house, feeling a little lightheaded.

Soda had just woken up. Even he didn't look like his usual self. His eyes, normally glinting with a look of joy and a hint of giddiness reflected by his grin, now looked more dull and lifeless. "Heard about Steve yet Soda?" I asked him. "Of course I have. I was there." He replied. I was a little taken aback. Sure, Soda liked partying, but he didn't hang out with Buck Merrill's crowd as much as Steve did. I decided to leave Soda alone. He seemed distant, just like the rest of the gang.

"Ponyboy, wanna help me with the dishes?" Darry called from the kitchen. I trudged toward the sink, still feeling drowsy. "Well what do ya know? Lil Pepsi Cola's turning seventeen tomorrow." Darry noted. I automatically turned towards the calendar. So Soda's birthday _was_ tomorrow. I couldn't believe it. "Any plans?" I asked.

Normally, we didn't make too much of a big deal when it came to birthdays, but we'd still have a little celebration. Darry or Soda would cook up a huge chocolate cake for the occasion, and then the whole gang would come and celebrate. Those parties seemed like a lifetime ago. The last birthday we had celebrated was Dallys. It was his last ever.  
When mom and dad were alive, we'd sometimes drive up to Oklahoma City and go to Eva's ice cream parlour. We haven't been there since.

"Ponyboy, you look like you need a little rest. Do yourself a favour and get some shuteye." Darry said gently. I agreed.


End file.
